Customer reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
4.8 out of 5
301 global ratings
5 star
88%
4 star
9%
3 star
2%
2 star 0% (0%)
0%
1 star
2%
How are ratings calculated?
To calculate the overall star rating and percentage breakdown by star, we don’t use a simple average. Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon. It also analyzes reviews to verify trustworthiness.

Review this product

Read reviews that mention

attachment theory best book attachment styles overview of attachment jessica fern relationships cnm helpful polyamorous poly polyamory trauma understanding non-monogamy advice consensual guide monogamous secure self
Top reviews

Top reviews from the United States

There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.

Beverly Diehl
4.0 out of 5 stars Great Book for Polyam People AND Their Therapists
Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2020
Verified Purchase
There are books about polyamory, and books about attachment, and books about trauma, but as far as I know, this is the first to put them all together in one cohesive theory/work.

Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful.

One concept the author touched on that I'd never seen before, is our childhood attachment patterns might be MIXED. We might have had one parent/adult to whom we enjoyed a secure attachment, and another who was inconsistent, even abusive/traumatic. As this translates to polyamory, we might have one partner to whom we are securely attached, and another with whom our attachment is anxious, avoidant, or mixed, possibly because they push those same buttons. This was tremendously helpful for me.

The book acknowledges the many different ways people "poly:" from an existing monogamous relationship, as solo polyam, from swinging, and more, makes it more accessible to all the different kinds of people seeking to be polysecure. It also addresses the issue of whether people are inherently polyamorous (born this way), or it's a lifestyle choice, and the answer seems to be, Yes. Some people DO feel they were born polyamorous, and others choose it as a lifestyle, and neither position is wrong, BUT having partners with different outlooks can create friction within that relationship, even though both parties are polyamorous.

The HEARTS concept of attaching to our partners, and even, to ourselves, also great. Relationships aren't like bookcases from Ikea - each one is different, BUT having concrete steps to take to improve a relationship that we might not have thought of, is great. I also really liked the last section, on building a more secure relationship with ourselves.

Every polyamorous person, and every therapist who works with polyamorous people, should put a copy of this book on their shelves.
Read more
Alice Hohl
5.0 out of 5 stars Academically solid, backed up with real experience, clearly written and warm.
Reviewed in the United States on November 5, 2020
Verified Purchase
Polysecure manages to provide a solidly-researched view of the impact of insecure attachment on polyamorous relationships without being losing the warm and encouragement needed by partners and individuals navigating these waters. Jessica writes with a clear-eyed but caring style that lets you into her world, while also bringing academic psych material into the conversation, with years of non-monogamy counseling experience informing the intersection of the two. This is first book of its kind I've read, despite attending (and speaking at) poly conferences and reading widely on non-monogamy. It's a serious, scientific look at how secure attachment (or lack thereof) impacts any relationship, but specifically a non-monogamous one. And its written in an engaging way that pulls you into the worldview of, for example, a small child with an erratic mother, and then into the worldview of that same small child, now grown up and anxious over his partner's other love interests. Extremely valuable, well-written, and carefully narrated.
Read more
Demetria
4.0 out of 5 stars A good book for anyone
Reviewed in the United States on January 11, 2021
Verified Purchase
This is a great book for understanding adult attachment theory. The author is not stuck in the monogamy paradigm and is more thorough in describing the theories relating to attachment. This book is not heavy on detailing all of the research around attachment. Instead, it is more focused on the application of the theories in ways that enhance your understanding of self and how the self responds and reacts to relationships based on attachment styles. I would recommend it to anyone, even those who are not polyamorous and people opposed to polyamory and strict monogamist. It's
Read more
Pumpkin_luvin_u
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent first look into applying attachment theory to CNM
Reviewed in the United States on February 7, 2021
Verified Purchase
I've studied attachment theory in small amounts during my college days and how it applies to criminal justice and society (not one of the more prominent theories utilized there), so I had a decent foundation on what attachment theory entails. I would suggest that Fern does an excellent job in this book of first delving into attachment theory. Whether it's a new concept for you or whether you already have those foundations, it's an educational, without being tedious, look into the theory and how it's generally applied. Fern's inclusion of the Nested Model was also decidedly interesting, and I believe it added an additional understanding to the theory. The way Fern then applied the theory to CNM is not only completely unheard of and groundbreaking, but it just makes sense. Even if you consider yourself successful in CNM, I believe this book could be highly beneficial. Sometimes, we need that added introspection to really give us ab extra boost and to remind us that there's always room to grow. I would recommend this to anyone entering, considering entering, orcurrently practicing CNM, and I would even recommend it to monogamous people because Fern's ability to discuss the theory in easily understood terms is a huge bonus to anyone in learning their attachment styles. I read this book through once just to get a good understanding, but I already intend to reread it again at a later date just to see how I've grown and what more wisdom I can garner from it.
Read more
Melek246
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent poly advice
Reviewed in the United States on November 16, 2020
Verified Purchase
This is by far one of the best poly books that I've read so far. She digs deep into the reasons why we form certain types of attachments and gives reasonable advice on how to heal unhealthy attachments. A must read for anyone already poly or considering it.
Read more
Mandyf1231
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book, no matter your relationship structure!
Reviewed in the United States on December 28, 2020
Verified Purchase
I’m very thankful my therapist recommended this book to me! I appreciate the attention given first to attachment theory. Fern does a better job than most at explaining the nuances of attachment styles and reminding us that these aren’t always negative things. I’m just starting part two, but I can already tell that this is an invaluable resource not just for folks practicing consensual non-monogamy but really for anyone looking to find more fulfillment in their giving and receiving of love and connection. I recommend this book to people all the time.

Fern’s writing style is professional and clear, but not so stilted that it comes across as overly academic.
Read more
See all reviews

Top reviews from other countries

Sarah
5.0 out of 5 stars Super Informative
Reviewed in Australia on January 23, 2021
Verified Purchase
I've read some other books on the topic of Polyamory and alternative lifestyles and this is the first one to bring in Attachment Theory in a way that is both engaging and applicable to everyday life. It's set out in a logical way with great diagrams. A must resource.
Read more
See all reviews