Dear author, you have a pretty good premise, but please consider attending a creative writing course and/or hiring a good editor. Family members and ..Show More »friends don't always cut it if they aren't experienced novelists. What is lacking? Where to start? I'll limit myself to the fact that this is nothing but the outline of your story. The fact that your chapters don't exceed the 10min. mark tells you that there isn't much development there, just a series of events that talk about 'what happened" but no "how" they happened. I have graded compositions of students who have had the same problem as you, dear author. I always ask them to rewrite their stories one more time, this time thinking of your role as narrator as a guide to a blind person. You can't simply assume that by having a great idea, it'll automatically transfer to paper and that the readers' minds will fill out the rest. That's very lazy storytelling, and with a good story like yours it only needs a bit more effort and experience.