The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce

A 25-Year Landmark Study

By: Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis, Sandra Blakeslee

Narrated by: Kate McIntire

Length: 5 hrs and 52 mins

Publisher's summary

Twenty-five years ago, Judith Wallerstein began talking to a group of 131 children whose parents were all going through a divorce. From those conversations have come two best sellers: Surviving the Breakup and Second Chances. This third volume of the longitudinal study, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, brings all of her research up to the present and shows for the first time how children are affected by divorce long into adulthood.

Using a comparison group of adults who grew up in the same communities but whose parents never divorced, Wallerstein shows how adult children of divorce essentially view life differently from their peers in intact homes, and also sheds light on the question that so many parents confront: whether to stay unhappily married or to divorce. This book is a landmark cultural event that will change the way all of us view divorce.

©2000 Judith Wallerstein (P)2000 HighBridge Company

Critic reviews

"This is a highly understandable narrative on how children are affected by divorce." ( AudioFile)
"McIntire reads with compassion and warmth, presents the psychologist's startling findings....An important contribution to our understanding of what is a central social problem." ( Publishers Weekly)

Overall it was Insightful

At first while listening to this book I was mad. Clearly she was bringing to light the worst case scenarios! Then as the book progressed and I recalled how my post-divorce life has had similarities I started taking it in. The book answered a lot of questions I have had as to the "correct" way of moving forward. As I got to the meat of the book it was filled with information that nearly brought me to tears multiple times. Not only did I think about my child but also the lives of peers and family members I know from divorced or single parent homes. Overall I am more mindful of how I handle my divorce and I have directly opened communication lines between my child and I. Thank you.

Long review with pros and cons.

Excellent and helpful. A much needed longitudinal study. But more work still needs to be done.

As a father of five who is considering divorce, this book was easy to listen to, but also painful to hear. I appreciated how much of the focus was in the children of divorce. I did not like the first chapter. It made me feel awful and like I would be ruining my kids’ lives if I got divorced. But as I read on, I found more hope.

My biggest take away from the book is this. No matter what happens, my kids will need therapy. If I stay in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of my kids, I am doing damage and my kids will need therapy. If I get divorced, my kids will need therapy. So, I will set aside money for therapy for my kids no matter what.

I appreciated the way the research seemed to be conducted, following parents and children from both divorced and intact (non-divorced) families. I also liked and disliked how the information was presented. The research was conducted by following nearly 200 families over a 25 year period, conducting periodic interviews with many adults and children. However, it seems like the majority of the information presented was in the form of telling stories of interviews from a few select children. While this made it easy to listen to and I felt like I was getting to know a few children of divorce as they grew up, I would also have appreciated some more statistics.

Another take away I got that gave me hope was that children go through phases as they age and move throughout the stages of life. I gained a greater appreciation for what divorce does to children and how it effects them at different stages of life. Divorce has a cumulative effect in children throughout their lives. I believe I will be more considerate of how divorce will effect my children now, and in the future.

I learned a lot of practical things I can do and should not do that will help my children both now, and in the years to come.

One drawback of this 25 year study is how short it was. The research seemed to only follow the adult children of divorce until their early 40’s. Perhaps that is long enough, but that is also only half of the life of most adult children.

I am a pastor who has officiated over 1,000 funerals. Why is that important? Because I have also done some informal research as well. I have talked with over 1,000 spouses and many adult children of both divorce and intact families. I have my own stories to share as well.

I have learned that some adult children do become estranged from their parents, while some have very close relationships with their parents and stepparents. Some children forever, even into their 70s and 80s, harbor resentment for the decisions and actions of their parents. Others gradually gain an understanding and appreciation for the hard decisions their parents had to make.

Divorce is not the only way marriages end. It is only one of two ways. The other is the natural, or unnatural death of a spouse. I remember talking to one adult child from an intact family whose parents had a miserable marriage. Sometime after the daughter’s mother passed away, the father remarried. I remember the daughter telling me how she saw a completely different side of her father that she had never seen before. A more loving, nurturing, and tender side.

One man I did a funeral service for had two previous wives who both passed away. The first marriage was long, over 40 years. The second was about 15 years. Sometime later he met another woman. Although they never got married, they were companions for seven years until the man passed away. The daughter told me regarding this third woman, “She was the true love of my father’s life.”

Very informative, revealing and very very sad.

I think this is a MUST read for anyone that has either been a child of divorce, thinking of getting a divorce, going through divorce, in a relationship with someone that has experienced a divorce, and EVERYONE else in between.

A Sincere Review From A Stepmother

At first, when listening to this, I was a little skeptical. There aren't really many great resources when it comes to the children of divorces well-being and good healthy step parenting advice. When bonding with my stepchild early on we would have really deep conversations in which she expressed her pain, hurt, confusion, anxieties, frustration, and how she felt alone. Of course this was conveyed through me to her father but to no avail and unfortunately no progress on her mother's side either. The story of Lisa brought me to tears as it sounded so similar to my stepdaughter's life especially during her current childhood...She is nine. This book has helped me so much to understand even better her world and empathize even more with her. Interestingly enough, my husband is also interested in listening to this book. I really hope that with him listening to everything within it, strikes a nerve and helps him to be a little bit more aware and conscious of his daughter's feelings and struggles that both of us do not understand (we both come from intact families). I have to say thank you so much to the three authors that created this book, you are doing a great service to both the parents, the step parents, and especially the children of divorced families who suffer the most... thank you.

Facts about how divorce affects children now and in the future not urban myth

We say many things about divorce and children that are not true. This book tells the facts

Powerful Study!

Great study on divorce. Definitely worth the read. I will be recommending it to others. I’ll probably read again.

Great Book

I really enjoyed this book.

Worthwhile For Sure

Informative and interesting.

no. just no.

I had high hopes for this book. I was excited to see follow-up interviews with people who have experienced divorce. the title of this book should be Broken People Shouldn't Raise Children. Over and over divorce is pointed out to be the reason these people have difficulties and are unhappy. But if you pay attention, the root is the dysfunctional relationships their parents had, which lead to their own issues with achieving a happy, healthy relationship in their own lives. This book paints divorce with the paintbrush of a nightmare, repeatedly pushing an underlying message that is better to stay together for the kids, even if it's a tumultuous marriage. At the beginning the author proposes that kids don't notice friction in the home and ignore it well, pretending everything is fine, and most are surprised when divorce is suddenly sprung on them. In the next chapter the author talks about how kids are acutely aware of their parents unhappiness and gives examples of how kids are aware of friction and worry the parents may split. There are many times in the book where the author will started something, then contradict it later. As for the doom and gloom, my husband experienced his parents divorce, and he believed then and believes now that it was the best thing his parents ever did, even though things stayed bad between his parents. The points I agree with the author on are from the last chapter. We need to better prepare our kids for relationships and how to have a healthy relationship.

Not for those in pain

Would you ever listen to anything by the authors again?

No. This book is a set of pom poms, a cheer leading manual, for how great divorce is and how you can be better than ever because of your divorce. It is not for anyone who is suffering rejection, abandonment, loneliness.

Any additional comments?

You have VERY few books on abandonment or rejection. Why not?