The number of people who become involved with partners who abuse them emotionally and/or who are emotionally abusive themselves is phenomenal, and yet emotional abuse is the least understood form of abuse. In this breakthrough book, Beverly Engel, one of the world's leading experts on the subject, shows us what emotional abuse is and what to do about it. Whether you suspect you are being emotionally abused, fear that you might be emotionally abusing your partner, or think that both you and your partner are emotionally abusing each other, this book is for you.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship will tell you how to identify emotional abuse and how to find the roots of your behavior. Combining dramatic personal stories with action steps to heal, Engel provides prescriptive strategies that will allow you and your partner to work together to stop bringing out the worst in each other and stop the abuse. By teaching those who are being emotionally abused how to help themselves and those who are being emotionally abusive how to stop abusing, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship offers the expert guidance and support you need.
©2002 Beverly Engel (P)2012 Audible, Inc.
"Engel doesn't just describe - she shows us the way out." (Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail)
"In this book, Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse. . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse. This book is a guide both for individuals and for couples stuck in the tragic patterns of emotional abuse." (Marti Loring, Ph.D., author of Emotional Abuse and coeditor of The Journal of Emotional Abuse)
"This groundbreaking book succeeds in helping people stop emotional abuse by focusing on both the abuser and the abused and showing each party what emotional abuse is, how it affects the relationship, and how to stop it. Its unique focus on the dynamic relationship makes it more likely that each person will grasp the tools for change and really use them." (Randi Kreger, author of The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook and owner of BPDCentral.com)
I may refer to it. I'm not sure if I'd like to listen to it over again. It's somewhat difficult to hear and it's very emotionally draining to actively try to recognize and change your behaviors.
I'm not sure. The entire thing had very profound moments.
No. However, I absolutely loved her voice narrating this. She did a wonderful job.
I will apply this to my relationship.
I already knew that I had an abusive past. I am a Psychology major and I've been very introspective. I also knew that I was in a constant battle of emotional abuse in my current relationship. However, I knew I wasn't innocent, and I knew he wasn't either. We played off of each other. When one person was emotionally abusive, the other person would just emotionally abuse them later. We both came from parents that emotionally abused us. After reading this book, I realized that we were both reenacting our pasts in an attempt to solve them and end up with a better outcome. I have some similarities with his mother and he has some similarities with my father. However, he doesn't see it this way.
That's why I needed to find this book, so I could attempt to discover ways to change my patterns, and hopefully, in turn, change his as well. It's only been a couple days, but I already notice a difference in how I perceive my feelings and how he reacts to my words. I express myself by saying how I actually FEEL instead of blaming and threatening to leave. When he insults or degrades me, I point it out assertively but not painstakingly and he admits to it, and stops. I have a lot of hope that our relationship will benefit from this. I know we can get past our communication challenges. It was an amazing book.
May have saved my life. I was in despair in my relationship, thanks to this book I came to recognize what was actually going on and my part in it and what I could do to change it. Still don't know if this relationship will work, however it has improved significantly and, I personally, have made significant progress.
Must read for anyone in a conflicted relationship. You can be in an abusive relationship and not realize it, your and/or your partner may operate with a very hurtful attitude, which results in emotional abuse. Her wisdom can be relationship saving and even life saving!
This book has so much information in it. I never realized the things I was doing could be so damaging to my spouse. I wish I could have read this 13 years ago.
This book is beyond outstanding and crucial to learn , recognize and understand emotional abusive relationship which has been what I've been surrounded in my childhood and off course what as a adolescent and adult I've been choosing and also is preventing me to be in a love relationship with a partner . It is a blessing to me even though many times I feel sad and even depressed to perfectly identify myself in this book . I definitely and highly can recommended to my siblings, close friends and my mother but what I've been doing is giving to them the super helpful tips I've learn to recognize when we are being abusive or we are abusing in a any kind of relationship . I can not thank enough to my therapist for suggesting this amazing book and off course to Audible , Deanne Hurst and Beverly Engel for making possible to digest this master piece . A perfect trilogy . My infinite thanks to make this possible .... Namasté Giuseppe Di Caro
I wish i knew this years ago!
Identifying when i have abused, been abused and my family around me, their exposure to abuse.
Empathy when needed , but a call to action too
To watch what i am saying to my partner and family and be aware of what they are saying to me!
Beverley seems to believe it comes from childhood. I cannot remember being abused when i was a child but i certainly remember my first marriage, so i dont know why i was attracted to him and why i let him do it? But also, i divorced him 25 years later and feel i have not resolved it with him as we have not discussed it, so i might have to write it down but imwould love to talk to him about it. There was nothing mentioned to help you overcome a past emotional abusive partner it seemed to be all in the now.
The author recognizes that some of the victims are male and therefore continues changing her use of he and she in her narrative. I can understand this reasoning, but I found this confusing and felt like I was being blamed by the author all over again. Her style of writing kept throwing me back into the victim role and I often felt like I was being attacked once again.
The he/she narrative is specially problematic in the audio form, because you hear this. In writing you could correct the forms by hand and make the mental step of checking out of the victim role the author puts you in with her jumping back and forth in roles of abuser and victim.
The author tries her best, but other authors point out 90% of the victims are female and the abuser is most likely to be male. Even though the author acknowledges this she often choose to make the abuser female and the victim male in her dialogue. This is very confusing to have the female being blamed for the problems.
This book perhaps speaks best to therapists who can view the information from a neutral point of view. The author would be better off writing one book for males to read and another for females to read, because she does have valid information to share, but other authors do it better.
The author Patricia Evans deals with this subject matter much better. Her books are much more helpful for self-help.
My third husband and I were on the brink of quits. Then we started listening to this book. I am absolutely certain we will happily make it now. I also believe that this book could have saved my previous marriage. This is the silver bullet. I've been through it three times and my husband has listened twice. It is an amazing transformation in our patience and understanding of ourselves and each other. Thank you!
"Very good and useful stuff"
I find this work extremely useful. A lot of insights about "abusive relationships". There are few things I see differently, but as we say in the 12-Step Fellowship: "... take what you find useful and leave the rest...".
Many things. I will just mention this one: "the author provides an excellent analysis of the mechanisms controlling both the abuser and the abused person, and practical suggestions on how to deal with and behave in concrete situations".
Great thanks to the author for her extensive work.
"An excellent book"
When my heart was broken to million pieces , I started looking for the reasons why all my relationships had the same painful ending. In this journey I found I have been abused emotionally. I searched for a book to help me understand the problem and reasons behind it and fortunately I found this book. I loved the way that author explain the problem, not divide you and your partner to monsters and victims. When I was listening to the book, I cried a lot. It was difficult to see what happened to me. But at the end I am happy that I know my problem better. I highly recommend the book.
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