The Dance of Anger

A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

By: Harriet Lerner Ph.D.

Narrated by: Harriet Lerner

Length: 3 hrs and 2 mins

Publisher's summary

While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless.

In this vivid, engaging and eminently wise work, Dr. Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating meaningful and lasting change. The challenge of anger is at the heart of our struggle with intimacy, self-esteem, and joy. The Dance of Anger has inspired more "You changed my life" stories from both women and men than perhaps any other best seller on the American scene today.

©1985 Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. (P)1997, 2004 HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Critic reviews

"An inspirational message for all women....Like a family heirloom, it can be passed from generation to generation, as it is based on profound and lasting truths." (Peggy Papp, M.S.W., The Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy)

Still relevant, still thinking about it

Where does The Dance of Anger rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

I don't read that many "self help" style books, so it's in its own category. But I still think about its lessons all the time, and I think it really helped me figure out some things in my own life and patterns, which I think is kind of amazing.

What other book might you compare The Dance of Anger to and why?

It's a little like Mating in Captivity--another book on relationships that brings together psychological studies and the experiences of the therapist. But I just remember the one major idea from the first book (space is sexy), and I think the Dance of Anger gave me a lot of different tools--what anger is doing for me, how to figure out the difference between which problems are mine and which are yours, and how to access my power again in any situation.

What does Harriet Lerner bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

I don't remember too much about the narration, which I think is a good thing. I think she did give it a conversational tone, which is nice.

What’s an idea from the book that you will remember?

"Whose problem is this?" When you get mad or have a fight, piece apart which things are about your past, your emotions, and your actions, and which belong to the other person. It helps remind you of what you have control over and what you don't, and to take responsibility for your own emotions and actions while still communicating with kindness.

Any additional comments?

It was written in a different time--I think relationships have changed a lot with feminism since the '80s. But we still have the same problems, and the book is definitely still very relevant. I recommend it to all my friends--even the guys, who I think would really benefit from the lessons in here too.

Not Outdated! Universally Relevant!

Wow! I’m blown away that I did not stumble upon this book until now. I’m a 46 year old woman, in a long term marriage, with an 8 year old daughter. I’ve had a successful professional career and have been slightly obsessed with personal growth for the last 5 years, reading just about anything I can get my hands onto.

The concepts in this book are so helpful and simple that I am finding myself literally stunned that they had not been described to me before in years of therapy, with three different therapist! Im not saying I have regrets, but I could have saved thousands of dollars and gotten to the issue more directly with this book.

While the concepts are incredibly simple and accurate, I expect the solutions to be extremely difficult to implement and integrate, as the author even cautions, but worth it.

I agree with other reviewers that gender neutrality could be helpful in applying these concepts more widely on many levels. However, I also see this book as a moment in time, and sadly recognize the current state of continued inequality in power between the sexes, and the role we play as women in perpetuating that inequality, often subconsciously.

The personal examples had me riveted and unable to put the book down. My mouth literally gapped open at the similarities between the examples and my own experiences. It’s so comforting to know it’s such a prevalent dynamic.

Also, a word about the narration. I tend to prefer it when authors read their own non-fiction material, and this book was no exception. There is another recording, by a different narrator which people seem to like. I however found the tone of that narrator’s voice dated and slightly annoying. This recording may not be the same high quality as the other, and the author has a very slow pace, but I far prefer the author’s own inflections and was easily able to absorb the concepts and appreciated the slow pace once it unfolded.

Great book for anyone who is struggling

If you could sum up The Dance of Anger in three words, what would they be?

Helps take accountability. Any person who struggles with anger knows that the struggle is inside yourself, not with others. This book, which I'm sure I will come back to many times in my life, helps you take accountability for your actions in a healthy way.

just got the tip of the iceberg here

I have not read the hard copy of this book, but I hope it is lengthier and weightier. This touches on some very important and useful concepts, but doesn't really delve too deeply. I will re-listen, but my feeling was - "is that all??" Also, apologies to the author, I found the narration to be less than great. She sounded like she may have taken a tranquilizer beforehand, or as if the tape was slowed down. A little distracting. Great concept and worthy of exploration, but this book is the beginning of that.

A must read for all

Everyone should read this book. So many of us partake in this dance of anger and it's great to hear it addressed and learn ways to help change this dance with others.

Need a better sounding Narrator

Would you recommend this book to a friend? Why or why not?

Yes, the printed book, but the audio needs another Narrator. The voice is very monotone and the Narrator sounds bored or almost scolding. Not very soothing voice.

What was the most interesting aspect of this story? The least interesting?

Very good points in this book!

What three words best describe Harriet Lerner’s voice?

Monotone
Bored
Scolding

Do you think The Dance of Anger needs a follow-up book? Why or why not?

YEs, the information is very interesting!

Good information

good information for men and women. Apply that anger to making positive changes.......

Must Read for Women

I am from a large family of 11 people. Lots of big personalities. This book is so helpful to help understand how to manage yourself in a difficult group without compromising yourself. I will listen to this book 2 or 3 more times. Every page was a gem.

Great starting point.

The author gives great advice on determining one's place in triangles and other family dynamics. She also shares steps to take in healing and possible reactions from those around us.

I regularly revisit and listen on angry walks

After listening ... I feel sane again
Harriet’s voice is calming
And she has a plan for how to handle ... the most confusing anger questions