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Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage | [John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Joan DeClaire]

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage

In 1994, Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington made a startling announcement: Through scientific observation and mathematical analysis, they could predict, with more than 90-percent accuracy, whether a marriage would succeed or fail. The only thing they did not yet know was how to turn a failing marriage into a successful one, so Gottman teamed up with his clinical psychologist wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, to develop intervention methods.
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Publisher's Summary

In 1994, Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington made a startling announcement: Through scientific observation and mathematical analysis, they could predict, with more than 90-percent accuracy, whether a marriage would succeed or fail. The only thing they did not yet know was how to turn a failing marriage into a successful one, so Gottman teamed up with his clinical psychologist wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, to develop intervention methods. Now the Gottmans, together with the Love Lab research facility, have put these ideas into practice. In Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, the Gottmans share this vital information so that couples can develop the skills to turn their relationship problems around and create strong, lasting unions.

What emerged from the Gottmans' collaboration and decades of research is a body of advice that's based on two surprisingly simple truths: Happily married couples behave like good friends; and they handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. The authors offer an intimate look at 10 couples who have learned to work through potentially destructive problems, extramarital affairs, workaholism, parenthood adjustments, serious illnesses, lack of intimacy, and examine what they've done to improve communication and get their marriages back on track.

Giving an insider's view of the Love Lab, the Gottmans take the listener step-by-step through the couples' conversations, before and after they are counseled. The authors also provide an analysis of the couples' interactions, identifying their core problems and offering suggestions for resolving them. By "listening" to the discussions in this way, you will learn to detect the most common stumbling blocks of a relationship and, most important, how to avoid them.

©2006 John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Joan DeClaire; (P)2006 Books on Tape

What Members Say

Average Customer Rating

3.9 (171 )
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  •  
    DGM 03-17-08
    DGM 03-17-08 Member Since 2007

    dmess86

    HELPFUL VOTES
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    "One of the basics"

    A must have book if you are serious about working on your marriage. I have read several books and many refer to the work in this one.

    22 of 23 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Dave Winnipeg, MB, Canada 05-17-11
    Dave Winnipeg, MB, Canada 05-17-11 Member Since 2008
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    "A Game Changer"

    This book changed the way I speak to my wife, particularly when the conversation is argumentative, merely after hearing the first recorded and analyzed conversation in the book. The biggest thing for me was defensiveness and I saw it right away in the dialogue that they present in the book.

    They use recorded transcripts of real couples talking (voiced by the narrator) and then analyze the back-and-forth relatively quickly. You can see yourself, if you're like me, in many of the conversations.

    It truly helped, but it would be best if the authors were with me as I conversed (argued) with my wife, as I worry that I will fall back into old habits as I often do after reading great advice like this. I need her to read it too.

    8 of 8 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Patrick United States 02-10-11
    Patrick United States 02-10-11 Member Since 2010
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    "Great Book"

    This book provided me with a lot of insight on ways i could communicate better. I found myself relating to several of the couples and their issues and found the doctors recommended ways to handle situations very useful.

    2 of 2 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Sindy Antelope, CA, USA 05-23-10
    Sindy Antelope, CA, USA 05-23-10
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    "So much truth in this!"

    I am listening tonight and plan to get the book tomorrow. I would like to go through the exercises written in the book. My parents did not show us how to resolve any conflict. They avoided it as much as possible. I am afraid that I did not teach my children either.
    My oldest daughter just got married three weeks ago. I would like for her to listen to the book. My other daughter is ending her engagement.
    This book would be very helpful for both of them. I am finding it very interesting!
    Thank you.

    4 of 5 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Jodie 09-13-13
    Jodie 09-13-13

    Jodie

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    "Eye opening!"
    What made the experience of listening to Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage the most enjoyable?

    The book uses real life scenarios of couples they've had in counseling, which makes the suggestions relative to myself and my own situation. This book opened my eyes and gave me an outside perspective on how I communicate in my marriage, and even in past relationships.


    What insight do you think you’ll apply from Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage?

    Like I said above, this book is an eye opener. I've seen myself in the couples they have in this book, that gives me a new perspective, and will help me focus on getting to the heart of my needs, while allowing me to work on listening to the needs of my partner. Then we can work on fulfilling those needs together.


    Any additional comments?

    I would recommend this book to anyone who is having communication breakdown in their marriage. There are numerous types of communication breakdown that are reviewed in this book, and they do a great job of doing a "before and after" session of these conversations. I plan on listening again to the book in its entirety, to get into more details.

    1 of 1 people found this review helpful
  •  
    charles Dublin, CA, United States 10-14-11
    charles Dublin, CA, United States 10-14-11
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    "Worth the Read/Listen"
    If you could sum up Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage in three words, what would they be?

    If your Married and or thinking of marriage then you need to experience and embrace the concepts with one caveate (if your a man don't lose your basic nature of being a guy). Couples need to maintain and improve this interaction that was part and parcel of the courtship process. Men especially need to remember this process so that they can help their spouse stay open and build a relationship that is even larger than what brought the two lovers together. Plan, design and pursue each other to the beneift of those around them and the children watching every move they make. The premise and real world examples are to be taken seriously and imbibed deeply to ensure that both parties are understood and more fully realized. Listen and Read this book as well as the prequel to give your relationship every chance of flourishing for a liftetime. Women will identify with this more readily than men but the lesson is not to be denied or overlooked or trivialized. Pay attention to what your experiencing.


    What did you like best about this story?

    the excerpted real world dialogue.


    What about Susan Denaker’s performance did you like?

    it's just OK.


    What did you learn from Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage that you would use in your daily life?

    To understand more about how Women want there long-term dialogue to be [especially if they are into the NOW and that they should get any and all that they feel that they should want] don't deny the revealing of this important skill to fully realized what your marriage can be.


    Any additional comments?

    Learn this skill and add it to your quiver of skills to menuever through this life, but remain yourself at your core.

    3 of 5 people found this review helpful
  •  
    vasolaq 06-28-14
    vasolaq 06-28-14 Member Since 2013
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    "This was quite a boring book"
    This book wasn’t for you, but who do you think might enjoy it more?

    Maybe if you like monotonous reading.


    Would you recommend Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage to your friends? Why or why not?

    NO! It is very slow in the advance of the book and quite hard to follow.


    Who would you have cast as narrator instead of Susan Denaker?

    The author?


    You didn’t love this book... but did it have any redeeming qualities?

    Probably yes, but I couldnt stand to hear it all. Probably the written version is MUCH BETTER than the readed one.


    Any additional comments?

    Check well the samples before buying a book. ;)

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Marsha Milford, NH, United States 05-26-12
    Marsha Milford, NH, United States 05-26-12 Member Since 2012
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    "Good content ( I think)"
    Is there anything you would change about this book?

    The narrator. I don't know what it was, but she was very difficult to listen to. I feel like I missed out on a lot of good advice because I could not focus on her narration.


    What three words best describe Susan Denaker’s performance?

    Monotone, drab, uninteresting


    Could you see Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage being made into a movie or a TV series? Who should the stars be?

    No


    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Dave Fox Island, WA, United States 10-28-11
    Dave Fox Island, WA, United States 10-28-11
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    "Horrible"

    I just couldn't handled the way this book was written. It replays a bunch of conversations analyzing what every single sentance means - it is agonizing to listen to. The content may be OK - I don't know. It was worse than reading a text book. I am not giving up on the topic, just this book.

    2 of 4 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Dave Maddock Bellevue, WA United States 10-28-11
    Dave Maddock Bellevue, WA United States 10-28-11 Listener Since 2010
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    "Horrible"

    I just couldn't handled the way this book was written. It replays a bunch of conversations analyzing what every single sentance means - it is agonizing to listen to. The content may be OK - I don't know. It was worse than reading a text book. I am not giving up on the topic, just this book.

    0 of 3 people found this review helpful
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