Licensed therapist and certified relationship coach Dr. Lyn Kelley gives you the real lowdown on closed and withdrawn men. Rate your man on the "emotional unavailability scale". Find out why he shuts down emotionally, how to get him to open up, how to connect with him, how to create more intimacy, and how to make him fall deeply in love with you. Understand his psyche and how to know if you should stay or leave.
Plus: The best 15 strategies to handle an emotionally unavailable man.
©2012 Lyn Kelley (P)2012 Lyn Kelley
I've listened to hundreds of books on audible & this was the first time I've ever been compelled to write a review. I'm not one to be unnecessarily negative or use exaggerated descriptions - I am being dead serious about this book being the equivalent of dishing with a high school girl. If you are emotionally healthy & value your authentic self - this book will disgust you - here's why:
The entire tone of the message is juvenile. Her favorite phrase is "your man." I have not called someone "my man" since I was a teenager. The whole thing had a very daytime Rickie Lake-ish vibe, which in-and-of-itself is not a problem - rather it becomes problematic in the context of work promoted as legitimate counsel. She does not reference any research or study findings from a single academic or credible source, but does, however, make numerous references to television programs such as THE BACHELOR & SEX AND THE CITY. At one point she literally said that finding and keeping a man is the single most important thing for women. It is? I don't recall that section being on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. (j/k- sorta)
Note that the message is not written from the perspective of someone focused on any ONE man in particular, rather it's more often positioned in terms of "success with men," ie - directionlessly or otherwise casually dating multiple men. One chapter even suggests the possibility that we are responsible for (or in her words, "the cause of") the insufficient availability of emotion in our "man." I think believing we are to blame for another's emotional challenges, or blaming another for our own (excluding torture & abuse) is one of the unhealthiest attitudes one could have in life. This book is John Gottman's nightmare.
She repeatedly encourages the following:
- decietful game playing, tricking & several other forms of manipulation
- denying yourself the opportunity to be your true self, exposing natural vulnerabilities, sharing personal information or private thoughts until the relationship is "serious". I can't imagine that a reasonably healthy woman would download a book with this title if she weren't already in a serious relationship. That being said - who wants to deny their vulnerabilities & pretend to be unemotional UNTIL he's been sufficiently mislead regarding what you're truly like. Shouldn't he have the right to know the real me early on so he can make an informed decision about moving forward? Who wants to doop a man into falling for them? She literally says "never cry" ... "never show emotion" (or else risk making him uncomfortable) & even commands that you wait until "your man" is not around before you have an emotional reaction to something he did that hurt your feelings.
- passively & covertly probing "your man" for information rather than directly asking questions you're inclined to ask
- general acts of unkindness such as pretending to be bored, aloof or disinterested
And the worst of all are the hypothetical scenarios depicting the best ways to "one up your man." or in my words "how to inauthentically react in a calculated manner inconsistent with respectful treatment of yourself & your partner." and reacting to him is about the only skill she urges you to develop...none of that "being proactive" or "demonstrating assertiveness" nonsense! :)
Bottom line - this book contains icky shady advice presented in an immature message. Get the Gottman books, and most importantly, make sure you give yourself a good tuning before investing in your partner's challenges.
I need both.
Yes, they are all great!
I've read other books on this subject but Dr. Lyn does a much better job of explaining why men are emotionally unavailable. She gives new, creative ways of getting them to open up. I tried some of her strategies on my boyfriend and they really worked! I also was able to rate my boyfriend on her "how bad is he?" scale, and found out he is actually workable. Once you understand the emotionally unavailable man's personality, it's much easier to create more intimacy. This has given me new hope and optimism about our future!
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