©1987, 1992 Hazelden Foundation; (P)2005 Recorded Books, LLC
"Few people understand this idea as well as Melody Beattie, an author recovering successfully from a variety of addictive disorders and entanglements." (AudioFile)
"Bettie understands being overboard, which helps her throw best-selling lifelines to those still adrift." (Time)
This book changed my life. Best buy ever! Wish I had read it before!!! Its so conforting findiing yourself through its pages. It helped me understand myself and letting go. 100% positive ratings!
I found it very difficult to follow the message of this book or get any real help from it. The author indicates there are a number of causes of co-dependency but seems to try to discuss them all at the same time. As a result, I found myself sorting through all of the causes and situations that did not pertain to me to try and find what did. The book would be much better and helpful if each cause, or similar causes, and resulting behaviors were grouped together in one or more chapters and discussed from start to finish.
This book reminds me to take care of ME first. We get spun into a circle of making sure everyone is cared for, nurtured,loved, fed, and their egos are boosted while silently fuming that our own needs go unmet. Why do I have to always be the one to reach out? This book helps to remind us that WE must take care of OUR needs first in order to be of any value to anyone else. I had forgotten that along the way.
I hate you! dont leave me!
No, this book needs to be taken in sections and absorbed, if you race thru it you miss so much. it is the book you want to listen to 50 times because you learn something you missed on time 30 by rushing.
Seriously it should be required reading in school.
It is a very clear review on codependency, its characteristics and some tools to manage it to get "better" which will reflect in a more fulfilling life
I thought the book was timeless. Finally I have a name for my personality type. Now I can identify my ‘rescue’ efforts I can try and control my impulse to help everybody. I so can not be bothered. I am like a magnet for the weak and vulnerable. You build them up – and off they fly with someone else. I definitely want to have relationships that aren’t based around the other person’s tragedies. I have carried too many people too far and I am emotional barren and always feel like the door mat. Fancy me being codependent on that! I thought they were on me and I was stuck having to support them. I have just got rid of my last ‘lost puppy’. I love dogs more than humans for sure, so now I’m just happy to give and take with my pooch. At least my time will be my own, I will have money in the back saved! And she will love me and always be there for me when I need her [not turn all woes back to focus on their problems all the time]. 36 now, hopefully this book has now woken me enough to stop taking on other people stuff….because after all it’s none of my business
The voice actress really gave an incredible amount of value to the content - tone of voice in a book dealing with emotionally troubling issues is incredibly important. At no point did I have to disconnect with the conversation through either boredom, or by feeling threatened. This was exactly what I needed to hear, and in exactly the voice that I needed to hear it.
Overall, the message of this book was incredibly meaningful to me, and I would recommend it to anyone who has grown up in a household of abuse. I learned so much about my own behaviors that I never would have guessed - and I learned so much about the patterns of my own feeling and desires that I never would have guessed were beaten into me by an abuser, rather than things that were just part of my core. I'm absolutely certain that I will be listening through this at least 3 times.
On the other hand, as an Atheist, I found the assumptions that the author made that they were facing a Christian audience rather annoying. She spent the better part of one of one of the chapters referencing "Christian values", and addressing readers as "We Christians" - and I honestly think that the book would have been better without those bits. I'm glad that I feel that only about 5% of the content is tainted in that way. On the other hand, don't you dare let the annoyance of those few mosquitoes ruin the whole trip! The view that you will have of yourself after this journey can be incredibly important to the way that you think of yourself moving forward! This book is unique in some of the ways it will allow you to understand yourself - I know that I have learned a tremendous amount from it.
Thank you, Melody.
The word Bible is very strong and mostly known as a Christian Book. In my headline text, the word Bible doesn't have anything to do with religion or Christianity... I find it to be my equivalent to AA'S BIG BOOK. Members (of AA) often refer to their "big Book" as their Bible. I have found this book to be "MY" AA Big Book.
I use CODA no more for guidance in today's context
I found some aspects of AA to be a breeding ground for my co-dependance.
The step that requires "when we are wrong, promptly admit it". I thought I used it appropriately, until I, nor anyone else was able to see how covertly wrong I was for everything!
I couldn't apologize enough! After all, Following this step is how my peers have remained "Happy,Joyous and Free" right?
This book has given me strength and permission to change and challenge my beliefs. I no longer relate alcohol as the evil medicine. My reactions, behaviors and belief system became the evil medicine. I don't know what a "burning desire" to drink feels like. I know self shame,blame and need to fix everyone that presents me a problem. Hell they dont even request help, its my inner need to fix the unfix-able! Wow..AA is a great place for my rampant self destructive illness to get busy!
The formerly self diagnosed Alcoholic in me requires admitting my wrongness. However, the co dependent in me doesn't know when to stop apologizing and recognizing it doesnt matter! Honesty without compassion is cruelty. I live by that statement however the wisdom to know the difference continues to rear its head occasionally.
The only way a Alcoholic can get help is by admission, a self diagnosis for which the side- affects of the medication began to destroy everything,
Today, my drink usually turns to a ice melted,watered down glass of captain and coke. The only problem is washing the glass. Pouring the beverage down the sink is amazing, only because it was never the problem nor solution. It was suicide prevention for a illness. A debilitating illness that i never new existed. Depression and my co dependency .
I believed depression was for the insane and required a straight jacket. I went to the solution (AA) and was affirmed that My diagnosis was correct and they had the power of "remission" IF I shut up, sit down and pay attention to someone else for once in my life.
I did..with every ounce of energy I had until it made me sick/sicker?
I don't know what a burning desire to drink is, I do feel the need to share. I know my deprressin lingers. I know their is help. I am sane and alcohol is just alcohol. If it vanished from the earth it wouldn't bother me, but I certainly would unconsciously help those that cant help themselves. I would do everything to lift them up and become their fixer. I will be effective until I become toxic. I feel a story needs to be shared. My story doesnt require my fathers, other institutions, belief systems and old ill conceived reactions.
I refuse to vanish. I will assert myself with compassion. I will continue my journey of health and wellness (whatever that may be) I may never know if i am healthy.
Today, I no longer require permission to say/feel happiness and Joy!
Most importantly. I am free.
I liked the empowerment and new vision that has changed my life. I find it Ironic that some groups claim self diagnosis and self medication is only acceptable if the diagnosis meets their standards. Their requirement requires a desire to stop drinking. I didn't know much, but I can walk in the room and find The disease and their treatment are the best. I find that the "membership" is the medication. However, it is a choice and I was certainly told " feel free to try elsewhere".
Since when has a codependent felt free? Perhaps the illness is similar to cancer. Cancer on the left lung and cancer on the right lung are the same. They require the same treatment until the medication kills them or the dr removed the wrong lung in surgery.
The fact that I actually sat down and read the book is amazing. My enjoyment of Melodies audiobooks and others playing in my house is particularly moving. The old self enjoyed the constant news cycle and politics. My desire to ensure my political beliefs were right and was powerful enough to give me a stroke. I now choose to listen to sanity and not fight their belief. I only need to listen.
I am wrong a lot. I am glad I don't have the answer to every solution. I don't have a dogma approach to being right. I don't need someone to respond with a powerful and logical disagreement to my opinion. I expect it, and I will always be "Okay" My sickness hopes to be affirmed and/or shamed for my opinion, but its okay. I have always been okay.
Face it. Many can agree with the statement " I would rather be "Wrong and happy" vs "Right and miserable."
My grandmother left us with a little note. it read "
"When someones always right, then there must be something wrong!"
This book may be very helpful for those who suffer from co-dependency. However, it offers little to family members who have to learn to deal with those who are co-dependent. I also found it somewhat frustrating to have to continually listen to references to "god". Beyond that it did provide a basic understanding of a co-dependent mind.
I enjoyed both very much, but the audio edition helped the material "sink in" more thoroughly. I read the book before listening to it, so I knew what was going on already, and I think that helped. The narrator did such a great job that I was able to really stay focused on the text.
As this is a non-fiction book, this question doesn't apply; however, from an abstract point of view one could say that the most important character is you, the reader/listener. This book is about empowering the reader to take back control of his or her life, so he becomes the central focus of the book.
The performance was so good that I could easily imagine that the author was the one who was talking. Her voice is very soothing and helped me engage with the content.
The idea and practice of detachment is something that greatly benefited me. I don't mean detaching from life; rather, this kind of detachment is letting go of the anxiety that always comes when we try to carry everyone's burdens and fix their problems. It is about stepping away from the situation and looking at it from a more serene perspective and accepting that we cannot change or "fix" people.
If it worked..the book is great but the audible wont work, I cant hear a thing and yes the volume is up. I tried it on my Kindle Fire and my Ipad 4.
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