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Bill the Vampire | [Rick Gualtieri]

Bill the Vampire

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them. Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Unfortunately for him, he was still at the bottom of the food chain. Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.
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Publisher's Summary

There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them.

Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Unfortunately for him, he was still at the bottom of the food chain.

Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time.

Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit.

Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.

©2011, 2012 Rick Gualtieri (P)2012 Rick Gualtieri

What Members Say

Average Customer Rating

4.2 (259 )
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Performance
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  •  
    Mike Naka 03-03-13
    Mike Naka 03-03-13 Member Since 2012

    Avid Zombie fan who's starting to listen to more and more Fantasy and Sci-Fi stories. So, my description is apt to change. Dog lover who's known to have cats. LOL C# coder, part-time prepper, B movie fan, AMC watcher, recovering but successful day trader, perpetual student, overjoyed uncle, former adrenaline junkie with a flare for cooking, and lots more. LOL

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    "imagine howard stern as a vampire"
    Any additional comments?


    bill was lured to a party by a hot chick only to be fed upon. when he wakes up as a vampire, he learns that he and the other geek vampires are going to be killed as a joke. somehow, bill is able to resist night razor's, the coven leader, compulsion and embarrasses him in front of everyone. before he can kill bill, the regional coven leader, ozymandias, overrules night razor and puts bill under a temporary protection order.

    sally, the girl that lured bill to the party, is ordered to show bill the ropes and teach him the coven's ways. night razor and the rest of the coven try to find loophole's in the temporary protective order and try to kill bill.

    under ozymandias' and sally's tutelage, they convince bill that he needs to live up to the bad a$$ reputation he created when he stood up to night razor on the night of his birth. so starts bill's like as a vampire. things get a little more complicated when ozymandias is sent away on a mission and bill realizes sally is more of a "frenemy" than he suspected.

    there are a lot of funny scenes: bill's 1st feeding, bill trying to convince one of his friends he's really a vampire, the way sally treats bill when they're away from other vampires, optimus prime as a weapon...

    narration is great. the narrator is the perfect fit for bill and sally.

    overall, a very fun ride. it's short and sweet.

    7 of 7 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Cliff madison, MS, United States 07-25-13
    Cliff madison, MS, United States 07-25-13 Member Since 2009

    I like scifi and urban fantasy. I don't like romance novels. If you are the same my reviews should help.

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    "Fun and Refreshing"
    Where does Bill the Vampire rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

    I have listened to about 500 audiobooks now (man I need to get a life). I would say this one is above average. The story and characters are interesting and I enjoy seeing a new take on a genre that has been done to death. I like the book because (unfortunately) I can identify with the main character in many ways. It almost reads like what would happen if I or one of my friends were in the situation in the book.

    The main thing I enjoyed about the book is the snarky sense of humor. I found myself laughing out loud several times while listening to this book. The constant, nerd pop-culture references which seem to becoming maditory in urban fantasy are here but handled in a very entertaining way. The story and world the author created is interesting and fun. He definitely left me wanting more!

    I will put a warning out there. If you are big into politcally correct behavior you will want to pass on this book. This is written from the point of a good guy without any PC filter whatsoever. It is clear as the book goes on this is just the sense of humor and coping mechanism for the main character but if you are sensitive you might get your feelings hurt.

    Also, please keep in mind this book is for adults. This is definitely one I would not listen to with my 12 year old daughter. Overall, the book was enjoyable. I liked the characters and the humor was great! It isn't Tolstoy. If you want depth go somewhere else. It it is a light, fun, refreshing read and is a great pallet cleanser after reading heavier or more complex books.


    What other book might you compare Bill the Vampire to and why?

    I can't really find a similar book. It has a lot of the standard urban fantasy elements but has a much different viewpoint on vampires than other novels. The author takes so pretty funny jabs at tropes from the slew of other vampire novels. If you like Jim Butcher or Kevin Hearne you will more than likely enjoy this book.


    What three words best describe Christopher John Fetherolf’s voice?

    Funny, Snarky but somewhat limited. He does a good job with the main character but the majority of the voices in the book sound like the same character. Still, overall I have no problems with the narrators performance.


    Who was the most memorable character of Bill the Vampire and why?

    The main character. He is kind of a bumbling dufus but with a good heart. The main character and his inner circle are fun and the type of people I would pal around with. The constant snapping and sarcasm of the characters would fit in well with most of the people I know. I like how he takes the world in stride and isn't the usual emo vampire we have come to expect.


    Any additional comments?

    After finishing this book I went ahead and got the rest of the series. I think that says it all.

    5 of 5 people found this review helpful
  •  
    colleen ANCHORAGE, AK, United States 06-01-13
    colleen ANCHORAGE, AK, United States 06-01-13 Member Since 2005
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    "Cute-almost funny"

    Great book for the young adult. Tries out an original story line but falls back on the old tried and true Vampire lore. Not a bad attempt. Not a thriller, Not that funny, just okay.

    13 of 15 people found this review helpful
  •  
    TLing 03-12-13
    TLing 03-12-13
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    "Incredible"

    This is the funniest book i have ever listened to in my life. I am serious. I could not stop laughing. I never knew it was possible to fit so much humor into a good story line. The writer is a genius.

    6 of 7 people found this review helpful
  •  
    A. Hogue Birmingham, AL 06-02-13
    A. Hogue Birmingham, AL 06-02-13 Member Since 2009
    HELPFUL VOTES
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    "Pretty funny, very enjoyable"

    I enjoyed this book a lot. There were a few moments in the beginning before Bill is turned that made me wonder if I was going to be able to stand the guy. A bit over the top with his silliness and horniness. But, that cleared up as the story continued. Definitely worthy of a credit. I went on to listen to the second book, and it was really good too.

    2 of 2 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Jennifer Ewing, NJ, United States 03-16-13
    Jennifer Ewing, NJ, United States 03-16-13 Member Since 2011
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    "Surprisingly good"

    Good self-deprecating, only moderately geeky main character was easy to like. Every time he did something ... or didn't do something , that could have lead to a hole in the plot, there was an "Oh yeah.." moment that brought things back to a logical conclusion. I'm also reading the Besty Vampire queen series, and they are similar in comic flavor.
    I say it's surprisingly good, because I only bought it for the low price tag.

    5 of 6 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Brian Oshkosh, WI, United States 08-27-14
    Brian Oshkosh, WI, United States 08-27-14 Member Since 2006

    Im some guy in Oshkosh, WI that walks to work and has found the joy of listening to good books and values good narrators :).

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    "Subtitle: A manual on how NOT to build a man."

    “Killing a hot chick is like clubbing a baby seal”

    If your ok with that quote then you’ll enjoy the book. The book paints programmers and geek culture with a huge brush. It assumes that most of them are game playing, bros before hoes, doll (action figure) collecting, social rejects one step away from the cave. Id say they talk about women as adolescents would but that assumes that boys are born with these beliefs. Out of the men in the book not one of them shows respect for or talks highly of any women unless their referencing their appearance. Bill and his friends are all about how women look or how they can get laid by them. The book is awash in stereotypes. Misogyny might be taking it too far but its certainly something that needs to be thought about. The strongest female character in the book helps Bill acquire power and keeps him from getting killed and his attitude is one of entitlement. "What more will she do for me?". They even make fun of it, Bill assumes that the female lead was a stripper because she’s beautiful (in this book you can’t be pretty and not be a stripper or hooker). She takes offense and begins to tell him that she was pursuing her PHD before she was turned. Then while Bill is trying to come up with an apology she tells him she’s kidding and that she really was a stripper.

    Im bothered by the message that books like this send. We have enough problems attracting women and girls into technology related fields without encouraging and promoting a flat out hostile environment. Its such a huge part of the story that its hard to ignore. Its one comment after another.

    Now for rest of the book.. I like that Bill is snarky. He’s the kind of guy that id like to be if I was getting the crap kicked out me. Rather than whining about how painful a steel toed boot to the head is Id have a quick come back that would make the beating worth it. Thats kinda how Bill is. I laughed a bit at some of his quips listening to the book. I also like that Bill can’t keep his mouth shut about being a vampire. All his friends know and its cool that they don’t freak out about it and help him keep his secret. The narrator has a good voice for Bill as well.

    A question I ask. Is this book worth listening to if the result is that it violates my own since of ethics? I donno, for now I’m going to assume that Bill is going to learn and grow. Im hopeful that he will change. As for my recommendation. There are plenty of books with awesome snarky characters out there I can recommend that don’t treat women as the next lap dancer. Look at the “Dresden Files”, or “IronDruid”, or the “Greywalker series”. They have great female characters and any of those books will be enjoyable and without the possible misogyny you’ll get here.

    1 of 1 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Jennifer Pickering 03-11-13

    Supernatural Fan. Lifelong audiophile.

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    "Total Dude Book - seriously."
    What was one of the most memorable moments of Bill the Vampire?

    When he realized he was the bomb


    Any additional comments?

    It took me a couple chapters to decide if I loved or hated the book. Then I realized what I was not sure about was the "total guy point of view". Once I excepted I was listening to a dude's point of view (his smelly gym socks and all) I found myself really rooting for him. Now I am on Team Bill...that stupid lovable bastard.

    5 of 7 people found this review helpful
  •  
    Shawnda Albuquerque, NM, United States 01-27-13
    Shawnda Albuquerque, NM, United States 01-27-13 Member Since 2006
    HELPFUL VOTES
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    "Laugh Out Loud!"
    If you could sum up Bill the Vampire in three words, what would they be?

    Funny, clever, awesome


    What was one of the most memorable moments of Bill the Vampire?

    I love the banter between Bill, his roommates and Sally.


    Which scene was your favorite?

    Not really a favorite scene but Bill's internal dialogue when hearing the coven names. I laughed out loud when he renames them.


    If you could take any character from Bill the Vampire out to dinner, who would it be and why?

    Bill - he's clever and hilarious. There would not be a dull moment.


    Any additional comments?

    Can't wait for the next book!

    3 of 4 people found this review helpful
  •  
    nell rayville, LA, United States 01-24-13
    nell rayville, LA, United States 01-24-13 Member Since 2009
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    "HOPE FOR MORE"
    Would you consider the audio edition of Bill the Vampire to be better than the print version?

    THIS IS ONE OF THE BEAT I HAVE IN MY COLLECTION. GREAT IN ALL WAYS NARRATION WAS PERFECT, STORY DID NOT STRAY AND A GREAT ENDING


    3 of 5 people found this review helpful
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  • jake
    oldham, United Kingdom
    4/29/13
    Overall
    "Really good"

    I loved this book and I need more!!! This is one of the best vamp books I've ever read simply amzing

    0 of 0 people found this review helpful
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