Domination & Submission

The BDSM Relationship Handbook

By: Michael Makai

Narrated by: Tobias Ezra Queen

Length: 19 hrs and 58 mins

Publisher's summary

The definitive handbook on Domination and Submission (D/s) relationships and the BDSM lifestyle. A must-read for anyone considering or curious about non-traditional relationships within a fetish culture context. Funny, insightful, educational, and inspiring. Author Michael Makai goes in-depth on Dominants, submissives, switches, primals, and their relationship dynamics. Learn about BDSM activities, bondage, toys, groups, protocols, and safety. This book even dares to go where others fear to tread: The Gorean subculture, online D/s and BDSM, first meetings, religion vs. kink, and what could go wrong. You'll love Michael Makai's irreverent and humorous treatment of this subject as he gives you the benefit of his 35+ years of experience in the D/s and BDSM lifestyles.

©2013 Michael Makai (P)2014 Michael Makai

Normative, 30 years out of date

Would you try another book from Michael Makai and/or Tobias Ezra Queen?

No. Both too smug and self satisfied.

Would you ever listen to anything by Michael Makai again?

No. I almost never put a book down that I've purchased before finishing it, and after the second chapter I just couldn't listen to another transphobic, poisonous idea. I say this as a BDSM educator.

How could the performance have been better?

It could have been read faster and with a little less smugness. Mr. Queen misses the mark on an interpretation that would have made the book more tolerable but does capture excellently the intended over-confidence.

What reaction did this book spark in you? Anger, sadness, disappointment?

Great disappointment. It's not a BDSM handbook; it doesn't capture D/s; it excludes asexual BDSM which is the majority of the public scene.

Any additional comments?

As the book says "don't read this book." It was serious. Instead, read "The New Bottoming Book" as it is excellent. You can read "The New Topping Book" as well, but Bottoming was better. It's an excellent introduction. Next, look up your local BDSM educational organization. Alternatively, look up a kink/BDSM convention with courses. Westcoastbound.ca is a great example, costing only $100 for early early bird members and giving you actual practical skills including courses that focus specifically on D/s. Try making an account on fetlife.com and looking up local events. Those efforts will pay off a hundred fold what reading this book will - and they'll expose you to a healthier more holistic idea of what kinksters look like instead of this normative, prescriptivist garbage.

Bend over for Daddy!

Any additional comments?

If you are new to the "lifestyle", or interested in learning more about BDSM and the different types of DS relationships, this is a great starting place. There isn't a "BDSM Bible", so you will find variations in how it is defined and relationships people form. This is based on Mike's views and experiences in the lifestyle.

Mike uses some of his personal experiences/failures/lessons learned as examples. Some of these I found amusing. I was surprised he touched on different religions and how BDSM would fit in with it, if at all. I didn't necessarily agree with it, but interesting to hear his viewpoints.

Mike also touched on potential legal implications, even though it is between consenting adults. Having the police show up at your hotel room, or standing before a judge with sex offender charges, is not a circumstance any of us want to be in ... but can happen.

Definitely worth the money and time. However, I would recommend listening to it at 1.5 speed, as the reading was a little slow for my taste.

Absolutely deplorable

I went into this with an open mind. A few friends proclaimed how wonderful it was that I invested.

This is a horrible book. The beginning was good, but once the author got to describing the different types of doms and subs, it was over for me. Apparently, according to Makai, all doms are users who just want to hurt a sub except for one type - a Dom who sees himself as a white knight out to save subs from themselves. Makai seems to think he's the only good, trustworthy dominant in existence. He's either deluded or he's something far worse.

And then it got worse. His descriptions of the different types of submissives was deplorable. According to the author submissives - ALL SUBMISSIVES - are broken, helpless, needy freaks. That was the most insulting thing I've ever heard.

If you want to learn about D/s or BDSM, research, meet people, read tons. Don't bother with this book It's not worth it and may convince you of something that isn't true.

Fantastic overview, entertainingly presented.

By chapter 2, I bought this audiobook for my own Dom. Even though I'm experienced and have been active in the BDSM lifestyle, this book was a great broad-brush overview that helped me to understand the drivers for kinksters who differ from me, as well as giving some great food for thought and some great conversation topics that have helped us to grow as a D/s couple. Listening to this book is like hanging out with someone who's "been there, done that" and normalizes an alternative lifestyle in a clear, positive manner, gratifyingly without the posturing that's all too common. My Dom and I have had some truly amazing and revealing conversations as a result of this book, and I'm so very glad I've had the opportunity to listen. Oh, and great narration too. :)

An Intro to DS and BDSM for Dominant Straight Men

What could have made this a 4 or 5-star listening experience for you?

The title of the book led me to believe it would be very general and inclusive and universal. This was not the case.I would have liked it more if the author had more knowledge about the DS and BDSM experience from a progressive stand point. He obviously favors traditional gender roles and is not knowledgeable on alternative views. The fact that men are statistically usually Doms and that women are usually Subs is not valid justification for using "He" in reference to Doms and "she" in reference to Subs. Definitely outdated

What could Michael Makai have done to make this a more enjoyable book for you?

The author is obnoxious and arrogant and he thinks he's really funny. He dedicated a section of the book to his own quotes in which he thought were particularly profound or funny. One of these hilarious quips was " I love red heads. It's not their hair color, it's the crazy". He also invented a new category of Dom for himself which he calls " The White Knight Dom". He goes into how the Bible supports this lifestyle in the way that it instructs men how to rule over their wives and how women should serve their husbands. I thought it was an enlightening view into his ideology when he started talking about how G*d was probably a Dom like him.

What reaction did this book spark in you? Anger, sadness, disappointment?

Disappointment. There have to be better books out there!

Any additional comments?

After reading about DS and BDSM from Makai's perspective I didn't feel like there was room in the lifestyle for feminists like me. But I know this isn't true because the people who I know personally in this lifestyle aren't like that at all. I look forward to finding more progressive perspectives.

Scarred me and sent me running

I have been enjoying BDSM as a bottom for over a year, after finding a wonderful, compassionate top. After deciding that I needed to take some of the research on, instead of leaving it to my partner, I began listening to this.
I truly wish I never had. My initial impression was that the author was a jerk. When I gave myself permission to stop listening midway through chapter 4, I felt horrible. I was terrified by what I had embarked upon.

As the title indicates, the author seems to believe that the only people truly in the BDSM world are those who choose it as a lifestyle. So right there, I should have realized this wasn't for me, but I continued to listen, figuring that I could get some decent information, even if I wasn't as serious as he is.

But as my headline indicates, the small amount I listened to left me scarred and scared to even consider finding another top if/when my relationship ends. If there are men or Doms out there like this man, I wouldn't even take the chance!


Instead, I would suggest The New Bottoming/Topping Book(s). They are available on Audible, and instead of scaring me, they reinforced what I knew and had momentarily forgotten about BDSM. That it's full of compassionate, communicative people who are very into sensation.

Be Wary

Loved the book until you Google his name. Prison term for underage solicitation to bring a 16 yo into a poly marriage. Learned alot, but damn.

Cis and heteronormative and trasphobic!

This book is pretentious and cruel to LGBTQ people! The narrator overacts as well. HORRIBLE!

Sexism and

Mistress doesn't like having Her gender disrespected by cis guys, nor does She approve of stabs at non-binary people or switch erasure.

very well written

most realistic view I have encountered. I found this book eesy to understand as well as easily read. The personal stories brought to life what points were, nice touch.