With or Without You

A Memoir

By: Domenica Ruta

Narrated by: Domenica Ruta

Length: 7 hrs and 12 mins

Publisher's summary

A haunting, unforgettable mother-daughter story for a new generation - the debut of a blazing new lyrical voice

Domenica Ruta grew up in a working-class, unforgiving Italian town north of Boston where in the seventeenth century women were hanged as witches. Her mother, Kathi, a notorious figure in this hardscrabble place, was a drug addict and sometime dealer whose life swung between welfare and riches, whose highbrow taste was at odds with her base appetites. And yet she managed, despite the chaos she created, to instill in her daughter the idea that art - via a classic film or a classical education - could transcend this life of undying grudges, self-inflicted misfortune, and the crooked moral code that Kathi and her cohorts lived by. With or Without You is the story of Domenica’s unconventional coming of age - a darkly hilarious chronicle of a misfit ’90s childhood and the necessary and painful act of breaking away, and of overcoming her own addictions and demons in the process. In a brilliant stylistic feat, Domenica Ruta has penned a powerful, inspiring, pause-resisting, and finally redemptive story about loving and leaving.

©2013 Domenica Ruta (P)2013 Random House Audio

Critic reviews

“In the world of memoir, Mary Karr’s and Geoffrey Wolff’s exceptional books burn and brighten, like actual stars among strings of tinsel. With or Without You is like that. I will read whatever Domenica Ruta writes.” (Amy Bloom)

“ ‘Make it new,’ Ezra Pound directed, and Domenica Ruta has. Difficult childhoods are plentiful, the talent to transform adversity into art in short supply. Unflinching in its regard, forgiving in its humor, With or Without You is that rare thing, a story you think you know transformed into one you have to read to the end.” (Kathryn Harrison)

“Freakishly brilliant, brilliantly freakish, this is one of the best memoirs I have ever read. Domenica Ruta has done something every artist with a failed family must do: She has created herself.” (Gary Shteyngart)

It's About Time

I have owned this audio book for 1.5 years. I have officially re-downloaded this book to my iPod three times, so I figure I should talk about why.

I usually chose biographies. memoirs or autobiographies about people who are known to me. So, it was by chance that I gambled on Domenica Ruta. I'm certain it was the reviews of others that convinced me it was worth the risk.

I love this book. Even though I can only commiserate on a small scale with Domenica, as my family's dysfunction pales in comparison to hers and I never (thankfully) developed a dependency on mood altering substances. I can't even confidently say that Domenica has completely overcome her demons and is on a really healthy path, but she is a survivor, a chameleon and has become a seemingly successful human against all odds. Others would have caved and followed the family dynamic, while she chose to see things for what they were, make better choices and extract herself from the chaos in which she was raised and trained.

Why I think this book is amazing is because it is raw, honest and detailed. Domenica's voice is the only one that could have read this story properly. I don't consider her monotone (as another reviewer suggests) she speaks evenly, but impassioned and her gritty tone is the perfect vehicle. Her memories are vividly recalled, as anyone, especially a child couldn't forget what her eyes have seen.

Again, I love this book.

A real and riveting story-beautifully written

This book makes up for every dud I have listened to on audible. The author is unflinching, unyielding in her description of the insanity and chaos she grew up in, yet she doesn't ask for the reader's sympathy or pity. The love-hate-fear triad she feels for her drug-addicted mother is what makes the story so compelling. As in real life, this book is all shades of gray. A mother who neglects her child, shares drugs with her child, turns a blind eye to sexual abuse, but at the same time is determined to secure the best education for her. A mother who seems to care only about getting high and being in love, yet turns a small, failing business into a million dollar enterprise. And then loses it all to drugs.
The author does an incredible job at portraying a relationship fraught with ambivalence and fear. She has an overwhelming love for her mother, yet prays for her death so as to release her from the bondage of codependency and pain. The redemption comes when the author's instinct for self-preservation appears and she begins the journey to find her authentic self.

Jaw-dropping, riveting, amazing book

What made the experience of listening to With or Without You the most enjoyable?

The story moves beautifully between time frames. The writing is full of vivid, shocking imagery, with creative and original phrases.

What about Domenica Ruta’s performance did you like?

The author's voice is compelling and she reads her own work so very well.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

Yes, because I could hardly stop listening!

Any additional comments?

I can't wait for more from Domenica Ruta. She is a fascinating and truly gifted writer.

I hope this author writes more...soon!

Wow! Unable to put this book down from beginning to end! In some ways, I can relate to the author but in many ways, I just feel compassion for her. I hope to read more of her stories. Great narration, too-easy to listen to her voice inflections matching her emotions.

I loved this book

The author uses her words to paint each person and scene from her life in a beautiful, yet painful, poetic way. I felt that I was able to relate to the author many times throughout the book. Small moments were described so perfectly, it brought tears to my eyes, and at the end, she wrapped it up beautifully.

Unbelievably Good

This audio book was the best I've heard in a long time. What an amazingly sad yet upbeat story. This book hit me on a very personal level, one which I wish I had the gift to share articulately. But, for me, a story this visceral is beyond description.

Reminiscent of Glass Castle, but better.

I started listening and did not stop until it was over.

Powerful, redemptive, darkly beautiful

If you could sum up With or Without You in three words, what would they be?

Heartbreaking and hopeful.

What was one of the most memorable moments of With or Without You?

Domenica's mother intentionally avoids talking with her daughter about a sexual assault in order to protect her own psyche.

Which character – as performed by Domenica Ruta – was your favorite?

Domenica herself. She manages to overcome so much, simply through her own wit and determination.

Did you have an extreme reaction to this book? Did it make you laugh or cry?

I did both...Ms. Ruta goes beyond a mere coming of age story set in difficult circumstances. She gives us a clear picture of what goes on in the mind of a gifted child who must surmount very difficult circumstances and she does it with beautiful, introspective prose and a good dose of humor.

Powerful sleeper

This was a powerful well-written story. Her lyrical way with words and phrases made me run and jot them down to repeat myself. I love her writing and I hope she continues.

Powerful story, but telling disjointed.

Listened to the book and got a good feeling of her story; the last ² chapters about dogs seemed out of place. Sequence of chapters jumped around. But her story is no doubt a life of struggle that deserves to be heard.

All too common and insidious tale

You know this story; you may be living it -- or your neighbor is, your friends, your family. You no longer have to attend AA, NA, ALANON, to hear this kind of horror story because addicition is no respecter of persons and infects us all in some way, or will. When I was working in my profession, I heard worse stories, and I don't doubt many of you could unfortunately tell a darker version of Ruta's journey. (It breaks my heart.)

This was not exactly what I had expected after reading some summaries. I mistakenly thought Ruta was someone of whom we were socially or publicly aware that had revealed an unexpected past. I haven't found any information about Domenica Ruta other than that she is a Survivor--which absolutely doesn't diminish the relevance of her book. What gives this book credence is the fact that Ruta is bravely telling it; adding another voice to both the issue and Hope, because if you have faced this monster in some form, you know that Hope needs constant reaffirming, and the conquering deserves praise and support. Overall a very readable, well written, and engaging story worth the time. Great achievement Ruta, and best wishes for continued success.