Addicted to Perfect

A Journey Out of the Grips of Adderall

By: Vitale Buford

Narrated by: Erica Sullivan

Length: 7 hrs and 55 mins

Publisher's summary

Perfection is the thief of joy. It’s a lie that keeps us in a stranglehold of chaos, people-pleasing, and addiction. Perfection says we are never good enough. It holds us back from being our truest, most authentic selves.

Author Vitale Buford spent nearly three decades of her life in the web of perfection. She was praised for being an "easy child", "pretty", and "self-motivated", so that's what she tried to be. Her need for perfection and outside success was coupled with her body-image obsession. It was also a distraction from the pain of abandonment and loneliness she experienced in her childhood. When she tied her self-worth to her external success and her appearance, her addiction to perfection was born.

In her junior year of college, Vitale was introduced to Adderall as a "study drug". She used it for a few months - and ended up losing 20 pounds; she also got her best grades ever with her most rigorous course load. She was sure she had discovered the "perfect drug". When she was able to obtain her own prescription the following year, it hooked her immediately. She was addicted not only to Adderall, but also to the perfection, the weight loss, and her newfound ability to accomplish projects and tasks with ease. This was the beginning of a 10-year love affair with Adderall.

In Addicted to Perfect, Vitale shares the highs and lows of having been a slave to Adderall, the destructive relationships that ensued, and the way that she finally broke free. She details the many twists and turns involved in the years leading up to her getting sober and the eating disorder that followed her into sobriety. Perfectionism is no longer something that enslaves her, and Vitale's story is one of hope that no matter where you are in your life, you can release yourself from the grip of perfection.

©2020 by Changing Lives Press and Vitale Buford (P)2020 by Blackstone Publishing

everyone's journey is different

this book proves that. the need, the frustration & the deep seated emotional baggage brought into our present is always a reflection of our journey. but without pitfalls and mistakes, how would we ever know peace, harmony & love?

Finally…a book that acknowledges root causes of addiction that have nothing to do with hedonism!

I’m a Master’s candidate in Addictions Counseling, and in long term recovery from Substance Use Disorders. I was a gifted student as a child, the one who held the family together, and a victim of sexual abuse and trafficking as a young teen. I not only “made it back,” but graduated on time, with honors, despite a string of foster homes, kid institutions, and the streets (but not drugs). I engaged in activism, but rejected therapy, not willing to be pathologized for my abuse. As a young woman who was generally considered a go-getter, I had an aversion to the party lifestyle and rejected hedonism. So “uptight” was I that I had tried several drugs and alcohol and never felt a high, so I was not inclined to repeat….UNTIL I was injured and left with chronic pain. As an over-achiever, I couldn’t stand to be laid up. I found opiates helped me keep working and being active. Later, I found that stimulants balanced my opiate fatigue, and kept me productive…until they didn’t. I tried stimulants to “hang onto” a man in recovery, who relapsed and ran off with other women, when he would use. If I used with him, he didn’t…as much. I didn’t, as much, like the drug as I wanted to be enough for him. It worked…he stayed by my side while, predictably, my life spun out of control. This is a very common story of how women become addicted. I felt shamed by treatment professionals’ assumption that I was a hedonistic partier. It wasn’t the truth of my experience. There is a cultural myth of the irresistible power and pleasure of the drug high. However, this is a subjective experience. I have always been fearful, if I am not clear-headed, so I never, particularly, liked the feeling of altered consciousness. Many, like me, have other primary issues underlying drug use. Be it the need to be more socially, sexually, in the workplace, to family, or to a man, many women use drugs to be Superwoman. Before this book, I have never heard this spoken of. I went through 5 treatment facilities being told to, “get real,” and admit that I, “just like getting high.” Finally, a counselor told me she understood that I was using drugs to try to be lovable and worthy, and that what I did made perfect sense (something addicts don’t hear often). I felt so inadequate, it seemed worth dying for, with a very few fleeting highs coaxed by the only man I ever trusted to take me there, and a host of unpleasant side effects, agonizing lows, and catastrophic events, on the way. Finally feeling understood, the need for approval and the drug use that got it for me subsided. Still, I had never heard a story like mine. I’m studying to be a treatment counselor, in hopes of providing a more inclusive treatment experience for all. I believe people have a variety of underlying reasons for using drugs, which are usually (though, perhaps, not always) stronger than the drugs themselves. This bodes well for recovery. because underlying issues can be understood, addressed, and even conquered. Given how atypical Vitale’s motivations for using speed were (not so she could drink and party for 3 days, but so she could excel), I was a bit surprised at her unquestioning acceptance of the AA model, and the treatment staff’s characterization of her. I don’t know why expected a bit more resistance and critique. Maybe they didn’t use the full-out dressing down and shaming tactics I encountered in the court-ordered, punitive, yet ostensibly 12-step focused treatment centers I first went to, and “failed.” While I found actual AA/NA meeting last outside of treatment centers more harmful than helpful in its treatment of a biopsychosocial problem with prayer and confession, I did not experience it as overtly emotionally abusive. I can see how like she or I, having fallen on our faces, could be humbled enough to go along with it. if there were the reward of basic human respect for doing so. Maybe the difference in our experience was that her 12-step based treatment was through decent insurance and mine, an indigent court program. I’m glad standard treatment worked for her. I was told I was “terminally unique,” but getting to the bottom of my unique issues has left me alive and mentally well, but with a lot of physical battle scars from the stubbornness of my condition or personality, whichever you prefer. Either way, I feel I will be a better counselor for my journey, and for the fact that Vitale shared hers with me!

Note: No one should stigmatize people who are risk-takers and sensation-seekers, and who find great pleasure in substances! There’s nothing better about being a fearful/avoidant person who uses drugs to control, rather than to lose control. Everyone reacts to substances differentlly, yet drugs do us all the same, when addicted. I just think it’s cool to represent all kinds in the literature. I was a definitely a dork in the drug world!

Very enjoyable

Vitale's story is not unique (addiction wise) but feels so real and close to the heart that everyone should read it. I found the title very interesting.

Therapeutic and Healing

Extremely relatable and eye opening to the journey of addiction! Vitale thank you for your transparency!

I had no idea Adderall was a thing people abused! This story was very impactful.

I really liked the authenticity of this author. She laid it all out there. She was even surprised by who she was and the lengths she would go to to support/continue her addiction. She address the hypocrisy that she didn’t recognize in herself but she could her own family members. The ending of the book was so heartwarming. The fact that she did what she was called to do selflessly and the end result was a blessing. And she was from my home state KY, which was also a pleasant surprise. Thank you for sharing your experience and your heart to help those of us understand that addiction can taken many forms. A great listen!

A young woman's story of addiction to legal drug

Couldnt stop listening and finished the audiobook in a weekend. Very interesting listen about development and recovery of a drug addict on adderal. I've never done adderal. I have known people to exploit ot for college or long hours of work. I have also knon people are prescribed it for adhd.

It's Like Reading My Journals

I wondered if I had a twin out there or something. The way she thinks and her general thought process, although a tad on the spoiled, narcissistic sude, was like the exact way I think. Great story. Can relate to it 100%

Beautiful

This is a beautiful story of Hope. Thank you Vitale for sharing it with the world.

Lots of honesty and vulnerability

I love the authors vulnerability and honesty in this book. Great introspection, a really good read, and it really raise my awareness on this topic.

great read!

interesting tale told by a female perspective dealing with many issues I never thought of.