I'm not sure that anything would have made the story better. It's Ms. Serling's story to tell as she pleases. The primary trouble is that I find her narrative (in a purely auditory sense) terribly distracting.
Since it's in essence an autobiography/memoir narrated by the author herself, there's not much I as a reader can suggest. It would simply be better in print form I think.
Her performance is acceptable enough (or might be to others) but I find it difficult to focus somehow.
It's far easier to "play editor" with visual content. Lacking that in this instance, I can't say.
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