So at some point I acquired a sense of serenity, a peace of mind. Then I sit in meditation and this negativity comes up that I put out into the Universe. I feel guilty so I need to "forgive my brother" lest I get "cast into prison" (a prison of selfish self-centeredness) the way Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount. If I owed a man money I would feel guilty until I paid off the debt so sometimes I need to correct things I say because I created spiritual separation in the Universe when I said it and I have a karmic "debt". The only way I can maintain my serenity is if that sense of separation is healed. Sometimes it is like the Princess and the Pea for me because I have been doing this for a few years now.
I can give you an example. In an earlier review for another lecture I talked about how I started taking inventory and my whole "script got flipped" in that the defects I saw in others were things going on inside of me. The way I see it now is that I had some personal conflict going on within me when I posted it that was unrelated to the topic at hand. It is not that the information was incorrect, about projecting onto others one's unresolved conflicts, it is that it was the wrong example at the wrong time. My "intent" was slyly self-serving in that my hope was that others would be encouraged by my example to take their own inventory. Then they could see what a generous and self-sacrificing person I truly am and hail me as the chief. Very crafty is the ego in me....:) Some say this is an unresolved Oedipal Complex, but I am no psychiatrist so please take my opinions with a grain of salt.
So I used the words "cowardly and mean and a mess (in a later post)" because I was still resenting an old friend. I still feel he owes me something, so I said hurtful and untrue things because I am still milking that resentment after all these years. So then the "unintended consequence" of my failure to forgive someone is that I am going around saying rude, self-flagellating and inappropriate things and there is a whole lot of negative energy behind it. Then unrelated people start thinking that I am calling them names and it makes for a whole lot of trouble!
The truth is that I don't see it it now the way I did then and I was in the wrong to make such remarks. The truth is that I don't see men as the judgments of my mind. I see us as limited, innocently duped and ignorant. I think we buy into things because it seems like the way to go. I think if we knew any better then we would do better. I think we are noble if we try to pick ourselves up after we fall on our face. I think we are brave if we attempt to make a go at this life one day at a time.
See how one little resentment and one foolish remark can mess with our serenity and consume us with guilt? See how I got into the business of "labeling" or judgmentalism rather than the more accurate business of understanding the nature of the ego and seeing how I set the ball rolling in my own ignorance and limitation? See how resentment and ill-will completely distorts our perceptions of reality and then we take all of that negativity into every department of our lives? And when I got here I was running around with hundreds if not thousands of resentments conscious and unconscious! All the more reason I want to continue to "keep my house clean" by being honest about how I am falling short of God's Glory. St. Paul said "all men sin (make errors) and fall short of the Glory of God." Sometimes I think I do so way too much.
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