Sex and dating coach Myisha Battle has always been drawn to the art of helping people find themselves and, ultimately, find satisfaction in the realms of sex and dating. After more than a decade of helping clients one-on-one, she has finally brought her hard-won wisdom to the masses with This Is Supposed to Be Fun, a truly inclusive guide to modern dating that focuses on the most important aspect of love and dating: you.
Audible: As a sex and dating coach you have worked with countless clients focusing on their romantic lives. Are there any prevalent commonalities you have discovered in this work that have surprised you?
Myisha Battle: It has consistently surprised me that my clients all believe that what they’re experiencing in sex and dating is unique. This isn’t to say that we’re all the same, but it highlights how the arenas of sex and dating can feel so isolating. Most people think that they must be doing something wrong to be experiencing the things that are concerning them when, in reality, they are experiencing something common. We just do a terrible job of discussing sex and dating with nuance and openness in our culture. A big part of my job is educating my clients about common concerns and what they can do about them, as well as validating their unique experience of these concerns.
Why did you choose to write this book now? What is specific to the dating landscape of today that this audiobook addresses?
I had been doing Instagram Q&As for a while, and a major theme that was coming through the questions I received was how to be a more intentional dater. It was hard to distill the guidance I give my clients over many months of working with them into short videos, so it felt like a great opportunity to package it all up in book form. Luckily, I was able to connect with my current agent in early 2020, and we both agreed that when things felt easier with the pandemic, folks would be looking for this type of guidance. I was also excited about being able to incorporate sexuality, gender, and racial concerns into a book about dating. That felt really vital to me as well because, to my knowledge, there wasn’t a dating guidebook that acknowledged the complexities of navigating all of this in modern dating.
This might be a tough one to narrow down, but if you had to give just one piece of dating advice to the masses out there trying to find connection, what would it be and why?
The top advice I can give is to consider what it is that you truly want from dating, whether that’s sexual experience, a life partner or partners, community, starting a family—or whatever motivates you. Think about how you would like to feel throughout the process of dating that will eventually lead you to this goal, and put as much as humanly possible about your unique wants and needs out there along the way. If you’re dating on the apps, that might mean completely reworking your profile to reflect these desires. And if you’re strictly IRL dating, it might mean sharing what you’re looking for with potential partners early and often. This is scary—which is why people don’t do it—but in my experience working with clients, it’s what really helps the process go more smoothly.
A common refrain of people using dating apps is that it can be difficult to forge genuine connections in a (digital) universe that makes people appear to be, in a sense, disposable. What actions can online daters take to make their experiences feel more authentic?
It’s important to recognize the gamification of dating that the apps utilize to keep us hooked, and the algorithms that may be working against us. I always remind my clients that the apps are just tools, and we can modify how we use them for our own benefit. Being a more intentional dater means you slow down and swipe more thoughtfully. You may find this requires a bit more time, which is a good thing! Everyone is guilty of the mindless swipe; it’s okay—it just may not get you the connections you’re looking for. Creating more authentic experiences also means doing a bit more vetting of people before you meet. The pandemic normalized the video date, which I think is great. This can be a way to chat with someone and get a better sense of who they are, their body language, and how you feel with them. Taking time to get to know someone may feel old school, but using technology can make it feel like less of a slog.
You have been drawn to this type of work since you were a teenager helping coach your peers in their budding romantic endeavors. What is most interesting to you about helping people navigate this aspect of their lives?
I have gotten feedback that I provide a nonjudgmental sounding board for sex and dating issues, and that that alone has been transformational for people. Whether they’re friends, clients, workshop participants, or total strangers, people want space to talk about what they really think and feel about these intimate aspects of their lives. In a culture that can shame us for being sexual or not having the “right” attitude about dating and partnership, people often feel judged for just being who they are. Writing This Is Supposed to Be Fun was my way of giving people the space to think more deeply about what they want in a nonjudgmental way and to empower them to take concrete steps to get that.
